Safari

I went into the leadership camp thinking it was going to suck. I didn't really know anyone so i was surrounded by 1,600 unfamiliar faces. Turns out it was way better than expected. I made a handful of friends and made atleast 3 close friends that i can see myself keeping a friendship with in the long run. Although i didn't go into Safari with an open mind and kind heart, i came out with a softer side of me. Turns out it's easier to make good friends than i thought. Safari also taught me allot about making decisions, being fair, and even consideration of others which will help me when it comes to sharing a room with 3 other girls and choosing between studying and partying. It was a wonderful experience and i wouldn't change going for the world.

It's Life..keep it moving

i loved once and can never denied the fact that i did because everyone close to me knew i did. While i was "loving", i found myself out if character, i was more sympathetic, able to apologize, able to forgive, and alot of other weird things that were out of the norm. In the same light that i loved was the same light that i was hurt. & it was funny because you couldn't tell me anything about him; through all the things people told me and the things i witnessed myself, i still saw nothing, but good in him& honestly i still do. It's just the fact that he doesn't see it in himself& because he doesn't, he'll continue to treat people the way he treats them. They're more like claire's accessories rather than Helzburg diamonds. & i didn't see that until now. If you can claim to love someone, but continue to play the same game and hurt them on a regular basis without any remorse then you either don't know what love is, a persons' worth, or both. I can never say i hate him for the things he's done to me up to the 5th year nor can i ever say i don't love him. It's just the fact that i can say that i will never put myself in that same position with him to get crushed again.I know and understand that no one is perfect because i am far from perfect myself, but how can i allow myself to be in the same circle as someone who doesn't care about people beyond themselves? It's not even healthy for me to be him friend because i feel that i tried, but a person is always going to do what they damn well please no matter what they lead you to believe. Yes i am still upset with him and more because it hurts when you think so highly of someone and they prove you wrong especially since life is nothing more than a game to them. Intellectually i'm moving up a level and cannot afford to allow myself another set back trying to better someone who will and plans to remain on the same level. I do wish him well and hope that he finds the love he is looking for& as cold hearted as it may seem, his existence is fading away along with my love for him, but that's life. Maybe one day he'll understand peoples' worth and i hope it doesn't take a worst case scenario to do so.& Maybe just maybe one day we might have friendship exist between each other, but that's too far to even think about.

Respect..Demand It

It's funny how people can choose to hurt you intentionally and get a rise out of it. You can love someone dearly and give them your all& sometimes that never matters because they already have it set in their heart where they want you to be and whether or not they'd hurt you. In all reality, the key is to never give a person more than a second chance because anything after that exceeds their amount of chances. Giving them way more than they deserve will give them the idea that it's okay to keep up bad habits. People will only continue to do to you what you allow them to. If you allow them to disrespect you it'll continue as long as you allow. Respect is something you always want to have in the atmosphere and yes it is a mutual thing. Demand it, but at the same time give it. If someone doesn't respect you or treat you with the respect you deserve then they don't need to be in their life. Although they might not respect you, you don't have to disrespect them because that causes a bad habit and leaves no room for you to grow as a person.

Mistakes

They're solely called mistakes because you learn from them. I've made mistakes in my past that i can not and will not be proud of, but atleast i have learned from them. I always find it interesting when someone who makes the same mistakes has difficulty forgiving those who happens to make a mistake probably every once in a lifetime. Why is it so difficult for someone to be forgiven, but hard for the person to issue forgiveness? Right now i'm struggling in my relationship with my #1. We've been through it all from the lies, the multiple girls, to bullshit, and to pain, but through it all i saw the bigger picture which was growth. No matter what i've always found myself forgiving him of the pain he sends my way, but now the tables have turned. He made the decision that he wanted to be single because he does not feel he is ready for a relationship. I can respect that decision because you don't need to be in a situation that you aren't ready for, but i feel he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. Basically try to keep me close enough to have an eye on me, but far enough to be single. Bottom line he found out i was seeing a friend and flipped and has not talked to me since. Oddly i found myself begging for forgiveness, then i had to sit back and correct myself. He chose to keep me single not me, and i find myself forgiving him several times no matter what,but i cannot get the same treatment in return? I decided if i can fight for our relationship for years and he can't then why try to keep it going? Today makes day 4 that i haven't heard back from him& the first day i haven't called and left a message for him. I mean i found myself stressing and i'm only 18. I guess i'll leave it be and continue with me and when he's ready to talk maybe i'll still be interested in doing so. Difference in my slip up and his is that i made one and apologized immediately and he made several and chose to wait. I guess when you make one mistake it's simply a mistake, but when you make a mistake a few times it turns into a choice.

the trail i leave behind

during orientation there was this session where they asked you to put your fears of college on the board.  People feared fitting in, gaining weight, and growing up, but i'm worried about my friends and family. They are so use to me being there to solve every single problem that needs to be solved and relying on me. I watch my friends and realize that they are falling apart, but i cannot step in because they need to learn to solve their problems on their own. they need to learn that everything doesn't require them to cry over. They need to solve it as if i never existed. As for my mother and brother, they tend to blame me for things that would and should be their fault. Maybe this summer i will prepare them for me to be miles away and for them to learn how to depend on themselves before i leave a trail of dependence behind on my way to college

praying & everything below

Earlier today my grandmother asked me about my thought on prayer and i had a huge difficulty answering her question. Eventually i just told her that i didn't know and that i had no real thought on praying. It's not that i did not know nor that i did not have a thought on it. It's that i feel as though i may not pray properly. I pray for people when they are sick, in pain, etc, but otherwise i have troubles talking to God. I also feel as though my prayers in a way are selfish because in a weird sense, i benefit from people's happiness. Oddly it makes me warm to see others happy, but also makes me cry to see others sad. Funny thing is it's easier for me to cry for others than it is for me to cry for myself. Obviously i am not perfect because i have to build a relationship with God when i'm mentally matured enough for it, become a balance of selfish& selfless, but also figure out what makes me selfless. Basically, i need to get it together and understand praying and everything below.