the trail i leave behind

during orientation there was this session where they asked you to put your fears of college on the board.  People feared fitting in, gaining weight, and growing up, but i'm worried about my friends and family. They are so use to me being there to solve every single problem that needs to be solved and relying on me. I watch my friends and realize that they are falling apart, but i cannot step in because they need to learn to solve their problems on their own. they need to learn that everything doesn't require them to cry over. They need to solve it as if i never existed. As for my mother and brother, they tend to blame me for things that would and should be their fault. Maybe this summer i will prepare them for me to be miles away and for them to learn how to depend on themselves before i leave a trail of dependence behind on my way to college

praying & everything below

Earlier today my grandmother asked me about my thought on prayer and i had a huge difficulty answering her question. Eventually i just told her that i didn't know and that i had no real thought on praying. It's not that i did not know nor that i did not have a thought on it. It's that i feel as though i may not pray properly. I pray for people when they are sick, in pain, etc, but otherwise i have troubles talking to God. I also feel as though my prayers in a way are selfish because in a weird sense, i benefit from people's happiness. Oddly it makes me warm to see others happy, but also makes me cry to see others sad. Funny thing is it's easier for me to cry for others than it is for me to cry for myself. Obviously i am not perfect because i have to build a relationship with God when i'm mentally matured enough for it, become a balance of selfish& selfless, but also figure out what makes me selfless. Basically, i need to get it together and understand praying and everything below.